OneActWorkSpace


 * WORKING DRAFT 3-2 09**

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General Notes: • Over February break, I’ll be making some revisions to help things be a little more consistent and to help develop some of the characters – you folks have done a great job so far – it’s been tough not having as many rehearsals and writing sessions as usual • I’ve made some changes even since Wednesday • The dramatic scene is good in terms of reactions and such; I’m thinking having it be a dog that gets hit makes it not ‘over dramatic’ but just dramatic and really sad – what if it was a goldfish and rather than getting hit by a car, Margot just bumped into the person carrying the fishbowl? Making the reaction that much more ridiculous – and the ‘cat person’ line still works • The cast follows; there still might be some more parts added and we’ll need people being more penguins and more bunnies, patrons in the library, other folks out dining in the restaurant, aides bringing information to W, etc. Those will get worked out over break. • So start learning the lines. Lines will be due, 100%, by the 1st of March. We won’t make any changes from then on. • Important Dates so far: o February 24, 25 – Rehearsal - MBMS o March 3, 4, 5 – Rehearsal - MBMS o March 10, 11, 12 - Rehearsal – MBHS (High school auditorium!) o March 13 and 14 – One-Act Festival – MBHS – 7:00 curtain, be at MBHS by 5:30 o March 21 – MBMS Dinner Theater with Show Choir – 6:00, arrival time TBA

D: Tim E: Jessie, Random Person Rr: James, Officer Bean A: W, Lieutenant March, Carl Ct: Attractive, Margot, Pink Bunny P: Francine N: College student (Shady, Frederick, Robot) S: Bobbie Aa: Kelly, Pink Bunny Sgt. Cy: Pat, Gertrude L: Waiter, Artie M: Librarian, Ninja K: Nick, Sgt. Tuxedo

Three Writers In Search of a Play (Title Subject to Change)

(BOBBY, TIM, FRANCINE sit in a semi-circle in the local library, trying to work out the plot of a new play they are writing. LIBRARIAN circulates back and forth as well as ASSORTED PATRONS. COLLEGE KID sits just behind the group, studying.)

Bobby: It's now been two hours, thirty-one minutes--

Tim: (being helpful) and twenty-three seconds

(Bobby and Francine give Tim a look)

Bobby: What do we have so far?

Francine: Let me see… oh, yeah, that’s right: nothing.

Bobby: Nothing.

Tim: Hey, I've had some pretty good ideas.

Francine: Let me rephrase that. (Directed at TIM) Nothing we can use.

Tim: What are you saying?

Francine: Never mind.

Tim: No, really. What? Flying rabbits running a waffle house could be pretty good.

Francine: I rest my case.

Bobby: Enough, enough. That isn’t getting us anywhere. (Starts thinking out loud) What about a story about a girl who leads a double life … and during the day she’s a student and then at night … she’s a rock star. (TIM and FRANCINCE just look at him for a second) I think it would totally work.

Francine: And her name would be ---?

Bobby: Something catchy… rhymy … like ….Hannah Alabama.

Francine: (Groans.) Bobby.

Bobby: (continuing) Hear me out -- she has this dad who used to be famous for one really cheesy song but now focuses his attention on her --

Francine: Bobby. The name ‘Miley’ ring any bells?

Bobby: (realizing) Oh. Yeah.

Francine: Argghh! I hate this stupid economy! I hate not having an office! I hate working for a community theater! I hate not having any money! And I hate writing in a library!

Librarian: Shhhhh!

Francine: Sorry.

Bobby: Francine, none of us are happy about this. But what are we going to do? The TV network isn’t going to hire us back after those horrific ratings in the fall. Jack hasn’t been able to get anyone interested in any of our screenplays. If we want to stick together as a writing team, we’ve gotta get work any way we can. And right now, that means getting over all of the complaining and writing the greatest play the Julius T. Beverage Memorial Community Theater and Agricultural Society has ever seen.

Tim: (coming out of his own little world) I have an idea.

Francine: Oh god. Shoot me now!

Tim: No no, it's good this time. (Very carefully, very seriously) There's a chair... and it's alone... and nobody sits in it ... and then ... it explodes... because nobody ever loved it (visibly emotional at the chair’s demise)

Bobby: (shaking his head) Tim…

Tim: (still shaken) What?

Francine: Are you serious?

Tim: Uh. No. Of course not. It was .. just a .. joke. Kidding, right? Yeah. (Quickly to FRANCINE) What're you thinking?

Francine: I'm thinking we're in trouble. We've got six hours to turn in a script before they pull the plug on us. And I don't know about you two, but I could use the grocery money. Kaleigh and Jake are eating me out of house and home and Randy won't do anything but sit on his rear and watch Golden Girls reruns on TiVo.

Bobby: We know, we know, it’s going to be okay. We just have to keep things in perspective.

Francine: *Sighs* So what do we have now?

Tim: The chair thing. But that was terrible. Right?

Francine & Bobby: Right

Tim: Right.

Bobby: Wait. I think I've got something.

Francine: What? Leanna Montana?

Bobby: (Working it out on his own, ignoring FRANCINE’s comment) Yeah... yeah yeah yeah.. I've got it ... so.. there's this secret agent. . . and he's got to escape this death trap... and ... (flows into the cliche story)

(James Bondersman is eating dinner at a fine eatery; a very shady looking character enters accompanied by an attractive woman)

Shady: I’m sorry, is this seat taken?

James: No, please, sit down!

(Shady and Attractive sit down)

Shady: So, how’s life?

James: Ahhhhh, the usual: getting girls like her, killing guys like you. You know, normal stuff.

(Shady laughs as if it were a joke)

Shady: HA HA HAAA!!! That’s hilarious!!! I never heard anything so.....(turns serious)You listen to me! If you attempt to kill me I’ll kidnap your girlfriend, threaten to blow it up the world, and make over $300 million dollars in worldwide box office sales!!!! (takes out a handkerchief and wipes his face)

James: I see you are very serious about his whole “take over the world” thing eh?

Attractive (very perky): UH-HUH!!! And he’s gonna share it all with me!!

Shady (like talking to dog): Oh yes I will!!! Yes I will little pooky bear!!!

(waiter enters carrying a tray with a phone on it)

Waiter: Pardon me, sir. You have a phone call.

James: Will you two excuse me? I’ll only be a moment.

(SHADY and ATTRACTIVE continue to snuggle, ignoring James. James rises from the table and takes the phone. W enters downstage, opposite side. W is flustered)

James: Yes?

W: Double-O, Double-O, thank heavens! Why haven’t you answered your shoe? I’ve been trying to call you for an hour.

James: You have?

W: Egads! I knew we should have gone with a different cell phone plan. Listen carefully to me, Double-O, Double-O, we have reason to believe your life is in danger.

James: You don’t say…

W: Yes! I just received an instant message from the CIA on my Facebook and they are convinced that the people with whom you are dining want to kill you.

James: Really…

W: Yes, Double-O, Double-O. They’ve changed their online status to “Trying to Let Agent Double-O, Double-0, Know Someone Is Trying to Kill Him.” They mean business.

James: Well thanks for the heads up

W: Be careful, Double-O, Double-O, and don’t forget: you can also make your new iPod sound like a lightsaber. It could come in handy.

James: I’ll keep that in mind…

(James hangs up as W plays with his iPod and the lightsaber feature. James returns to his seat.)

Shady: Something wrong?

James: Nothing a little clever thinking and a few convenient plot twists can’t handle.

Waiter: Are you folks ready to order??

Shady: Get me a Roy Rogers with two umbrellas. And she’ll have a Kool-Aid. Tropical Berry Blast.

Attractive: Extra sugar please!

Waiter: (To JAMES) And for you, Sir?

Shady: (Cutting JAMES off before he can answer) Get him a poisoned glass of water – shaken, not stirred. I want to take him out early.

Waiter: Okay then, can I get your names please?

Shady: Shady. Very Shady.

Attractive: Attractive. Kinda Attractive.

Waiter: And you sir?

James: Bondersman. James Bondersman.

Francine: Stop. Bondersman?

Bobby: Yeah. Bondersman.

Francine: Are you kidding me? (Puts her face in her hands)

Bobby: Okay, well maybe instead there's this kid going to magic school and he has a pet (FRANCINE glares) ... sea gull?

Francine: Guys, I'm serious. We're going to be in trouble if we don't get this done.

Tim: It'll all be cool.

Francine: That's just the thing, Tim. It won't all be cool. Look, you can just move back in with your dad and everything will be just hunky dory. But that's not my reality. My reality is a mortgage payments and electric bills and braces

Bobby: (trying to calm her down) Francine, hey, hey, hey, we know. We know.

Tim: Hey don't be hatin.' My dad's had it rough lately too.

Francine: Oh really? Has he had a rough time pushing "Ralph the Water Yak" backpacks and bedsheets?

Bobby: (stunned) Wait your dad wrote "Ralph the Water Yak?"

Tim: Yeah he did. And since he's good, I'm good. Its... its in my blood Ya i got the writers blood.

Bobby: How did I not know this before? Did he work on the “Ralph the Water Yak Goes the North Pole” Christmas Special?

Tim: Yeah. And he wrote all the music for it, too.

Bobby: That’s incredible. I used to watch that every year with my folks. (Starts singing a song from the special, TIM joins in)

Librarian: Shhhhhh

Tim & Bobby: Sorry.

Francine: Just because your dad's good doesn't mean.... (shocked look on Tim's face)

Librarian: I belive I said, ‘Shhhhhhh’

Francine: Sorry.

Bobby: Well Francine do you have anything better?

Francine: As a matter of fact, I do ahem (flows into dramatic story)

Over Dramatic Play 1-13-09

(JESSE, PAT, KELLY standing around FREDERICK’S body)

Jesse: (crying, standing over FREDERICK’S almost lifeless body) Why does this always happen to me? First I lose my winning lottery ticket, then the house burns down in that terrible George Foreman Grill incident, and now.. oh now this…

Pat (could be guy or girl): It had to be this way, after all he was way too old for you.

Jesse: (screams and drops to the ground, holding up FREDERICK’s head) Fredrick come back!!! (continues sobbing)

Kelly: (almost a whisper) He was like a brother to me...

Frederick: That’s because I am. Kelly, call mom and tell her what happened

Carl the Paramedic: (Runs over with a bag of medical supplies) Is he still breathing?

Jesse: I don’t think so (Crying harder)

Frederick: Actually I think I might be doing a little better (JESSE drops his head) Oww…

Nick the Paramedic: Ma’am we’ll do the best we can, but he’s in rough shape.

Margot: I’m so sorry I didn’t see him coming, he darted out in front of me and-

Jesse: In broad daylight?! (now almost screaming)

Frederick: (Sitting up again) No, it’s true, I saw you two and just came running across the street. (JESSE jumps up and knocks FREDERICK down as she does so; OFFICER BEAN enters)

Jesse: Officer! I want her arrested! (indicating MARGOT)

Officer Bean: (To MARGOT) I have a few questions for you. Will you come down to the station with me?

Margot: I’ll be happy to help, Officer.

Officer Bean: Just such a shame, such a terrible awful waste. (shaking head and exits with MARGOT)

Frederick: Are you calling me a waste? I don’t even know you.

Kelly: Hopefully there is some form of justice in this city... (stomps her foot and in so doing stomps FREDERICK

Frederick: OWWW!

Jesse: (Turns to the paramedics) Is he all right?

Carl the Paramedic: We can’t tell, but he seems stable... There’s a possibility of brain trauma. He hit his head pretty hard.

Frederick: Again!

Kelly: (looking concerned) So will he be ok?

Nick the Paramedic: We still can’t be sure.

Frederick: I’ll be fine if you people leave me alone for five minutes.

Jesse: You have to save him. He was the only person who loved me (still having tears running down her face)

Kelly: You didn’t know him like I did! (Yelling at her in a hushed tone)

Frederick: Well, we didn’t grow up taking baths together for one, so yeah, of course she wouldn’t.

(Standing only 3-5 feet away)

Jesse: (full out yelling) YOU NEVER EVEN CARED!!!

Kelly: THAT’S BECAUSE HE NEVER LET ME!

Frederick: What are you talking about? You bought me an X-Box 360 for my birthday. That was awesome!

Jesse: YOU HATED HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!

Kelly: JUST BECAUSE I WAS NEVER AROUND DOESN’T MEAN THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM!

Frederick: You live downstairs from me.

Jesse: LISTEN TO ME-

Kelly: (interrupts) NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME! IF HE EVER MAKES IT THOUGH THIS. YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, AND IF YOU DON’T, I WILL KILL YOU.

Frederick: Doesn’t that seem a little extreme?

Jesse: (talk in a hoarse voice) No, I won’t. For goodness sake we were. . . no are. . . in love. I couldn’t not see him! That’s a fate worse than death.

Kelly: (Still yelling) I DON’T CARE JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Frederick: Do we really have to shout?

Jesse: Why would you do that to him? If you DO care about him, you’d let him be with me. He loves me and I love him. Isn’t that enough for you?

Kelly: (Now hysterical) I SAID STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Frederick: I think she heard you the first time. Seriously.

Jesse: He was the only one who saw that I was a person just like everyone else.

Kelly: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROBLEMS!!!

Frederick: Now that’s just mean.

Jesse: Why do you act this way toward me? All I have ever been is nice to you! (Pat walks over and hugs Jesse, while Jesse puts her head on Pat’s shoulder and starts sobbing loudly)

Pat: She’s right you know. She has never said or done a mean thing to you. . . until today. Why would you do something like this to her? (Pat says while patting/rubbing Jesse’s back and whispers) It’s gonna be okay.

Frederick: Pat, do you really think you are helping.

Carl the Paramedic: (stand up and walks over to them) I’m afraid that I have some bad news. Fred is...

Frederick: I’m what?

Jesse: NO! Why did this have to happen to him! He was only 17! Why did you do this? You said that you could save him! (Jesse runs over to FREDERICK and lays a crossed his chest)

Frederick: Oh for crying out loud! Let the man finish!

Kelly: This can’t be happening! This is all a bad dream! (runs off stage crying)

Pat: (Walks over and kneels next to Jesse and rubs her back) It’s okay. It’s all right. Just let it go. Let it all go.

Frederick: Time to go? I’m right here. And no, this isn’t some M. Night Shamalama-whatever, thing. I’m sitting here. On the ground. Hungry.

Nick the Paramedic: (Referring to Pat) Is she going to be all right?

Pat: Only time will tell. (Looks down at Jesse still rubbing her back) It’s okay to cry.

Jesse (Sobs harder)

FRAME STORY 2-11-09 Francine: So, what do you think?

Tim: Uh. I don’t get it.

Francine: It’s all about people so consumed by their own problems they fail to see the more important things in their lives.

Tim: So what’s the deal with the paramedics?

Francine: They represent those who think they are helping a situation but truly just make things worse for everyone. They wreck havoc, ruin lives, destroy—

Librarian: Shhhhhhh!

Francine: Sorry.

Bobby: Francine, I think the audience will bawl its eyes out.

Francine: So, what? I’m trying to deal with real stuff here. Man’s inhumanity toward man. I should write more like you?

Bobby: I didn’t say that. I’m just wondering what Miss North would’ve thought about that.

Francine: Oh come on! Are you still using your 2nd grade teacher as your measuring stick.

Bobby: She had great taste. You know, the only reason I’m a writer—

Francine: (interrupting) Is because she told you you’d be a great writer some day. We’ve heard, Bobby. We’ve heard.

Tim: What if Frederick wasn’t a guy? What if he was a dog?

Francine: What? Anyway, Bobby, that was second grade. This is the real world. You need to let go of your little Miss North fantasy.

Bobby: Wha- wha- how could you say that? Writing is the only thing that I’ve ever been good at.

Librarian: SHHH!!

Tim: Look, guys, just chillax, why all the hostility?

Francine: Like YOU could do any better

Bobby: Lay off, Francine.

Tim: Well, actually, I do have something and it’s going to rock your world! Like the Spice Girls!

Bobby: The Spice Girls?

Francine: How about the story now before my kids run out of food...

Tim: ok, ok, so there’s a pink bunny....

Random Story

Pink Bunny General - (Rapping) Yo yo yo my home dizzle I’m gonna take over Sweden to get me some schnitzle. I'm gonna hop on over there and throw me a party, but first I gotta pown my arch enemy Artie. Da Penguin.

Pink Bunny Sgt.: Word.

Bunnies exits

Artie the Penguin: We shall take over the world!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! Lieutenant March prepare the missiles.

Lieutenant March: Yes sir! Preparing the missles!

Sgt. Tuxedo: Should I also prepare the death ray, Sir?

Artie the Penguin: Of course, Sgt. Tuxedo! First, we'll rid the world of that cursed Swedish Schnitzel. And then take all their chewy red herring for ourselves! We want some Swedish fish!

Scream in the background

Gertrude the Crab: Oh shut your yap, Artie!

Artie the Penguin: You first you old crab!

Gertrude: We don't have any Swedish fish left!

Artie: I'm working on it! Lieutenant March!

L. March: Yes Sir! Your missiles are ready sir!

Artie: Sgt. Tuxedo!

Sgt. Tuxedo: Your death ray is ready, Sir!

Gertrude: Here we go again...

Artie the Penguin: We will just take over Sweden!!! SWEDISH FISH HERE WE COME!!!

Ninja tumbles across the stage

Bunnies enter

Pink Bunny General: Word on the street says youse threatenin' my schnitzel. Well now I'm bout to bring it like Hey Diddle Diddle.

Pink Bunny Sgt: Word.

Random Guy enters

Random Guy: Can anyone direct me to the swimming pool?

Artie: Your schnitzel shall be no more! The world's Swedish fish supply shall be ours alone!

Pink Bunny General: (Out of breath) I guess I'll just have it bring old school!

(play rock paper scissors, Penguin wins with Paper) Pink Bunny General: Rock

Artie: Paper! Ha!

Bunny: Best two out of three!

(play rock paper scissors, Bunny wins with rock)

Artie: Paper!

Pink Bunny: Scissors!

Artie: Argh! (play round three, Bunny plays robot)

Artie: Rock!

Bunny: Robot!

Artie: Robot!?!? Curses!

(Robot enters and takes out Artie)

(Lights fade. Lights up on Writers)

CS - Okay, this is ridiculous. I’ve had it! You can’t write anything besides things that are completely dramatic, totally random, or have already been done! I have to listen to all of you, and it’s so annoying. I am trying to study! You, Francine, right? Francine: Yeah? CS: Lighten up a little bit. You don’t have to be glum all the time! Would it kill you to smile? Laugh? Anything vaguely resembling joy? Francine: Now hold on.. I'm not that bad-- CS: And Tim you’re too random to even understand. You can’t just throw an Elephant, a Volkswagon and a bucket of marshmallow peeps together and think it's a story! Tim: Actually.... CS: And Bobby all the things you've said have already been done before -- many times. Write about your life or at least something that isn't already a movie franchise. Bobbie: Autobiographical huh? Woah... never thought of that... Librarian: Shhhhhhh CS (toward librarian)AND YOU GET SOME FORM FITTING CLOTHES AND TAKE YOUR HAIR DOWN AND GET GOOD GLASSES OR SOMETHING. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF FOR GRANTED JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A LIBRARIAN. NOW go out side and buy a vitamin water cause YOU deserve it. And umm hey here's my number. (pull a piece or paper out of pocket and hands it to her) Back to you guys. Here, I have listened to all your idea and I have your play. Okay. There are three students. They all have to come together to do a science project and they all have to pass for different reasons. One student has to pass, or his parents will send him to boot camp in Sweden. The second student needs pass, because his crazy father and his psycho girlfriend will destroy the world. The third student because he wanted to prove to his parents that he exists and isn't just lying around the house. They complete the project because they learn how to work together. One of them is really creative, an other is really good at getting them all to work together, and the last student is really good at keeping things organized. At the end they end up with a volcano that explodes swedish fish. On the island that it’s on there’s schnitzel trees. Oh, and maybe the volcano made out of pink play-dough. Francine - I like it. It's very sincere. It shows that if you work together you can do pretty much whatever you set your mind to. Bob - i like it too and Miss North love it.

Tim - I love Swedish fish!!! Hey I’m in let’s right this play.

CS - good and if you don’t mind working somewhere else on that I’m still trying to study

Francine - Okay sounds fair. (three writers leave)

CS - now where was I (grabs a book and falls asleep reading

Lights fade.

Curtain.

Three Writers In Search of a Play (Title Subject to Change)

Bobby: It's now been two hours, thirty-one minutes--

Tim: (being helpful) and twenty-three seconds

(Bobby and Francine give Tim a look)

Bobby: What do we have so far?

Francine: Let me see… oh, yeah, that’s right: nothing.

Bobby: Nothing.

Tim: Hey, I've had some pretty good ideas.

Francine: Let me rephrase that. (Directed at TIM) Nothing we can use.

Tim: What are you saying?

Francine: Never mind.

Tim: No, really. What? Flying rabbits running a waffle house could be pretty good.

Francine: I rest my case.

Bobby: What about a story about a girl who leads a double life. During the day she’s a student and then at night, she’s a rock star. (TIM and FRANCINCE just look at him for a second) I think it would totally work.

Francine: And her name would be ---?

Bobby: Hannah Alabama.

Francine: (Groans.) Bobby.

Bobby: (continuing) Hear me out -- she has this dad who used to be famous for one really cheesy song but now focuses his attention on her --

Francine: Bobby. The name Miley ring any bells?

Bobby: (realizing) Oh. Yeah.

Francine: Argghh! I hate this stupid economy! I hate not having an office! I hate working for a community theater! I hate not having any money! And I hate writing in a library!

Librarian: Shhhhh!

Francine: Sorry.

Tim: I have an idea.

Francine: Oh god. Shoot me now!

Tim: No no, it's good this time. (Very carefully, very seriously) There's a chair... and it's alone... and nobody sits in it ... and then ... it explodes... because nobody ever loved it.

Bobby: (shaking his head) Tim…

Tim: What?

Francine: Are you serious?

Tim: Uh. No. Of course not. It was .. ujust a .. joke. Kidding, right? Yeah. (To FRANCINE) What're you thinking?

Francine: I'm thinking we're in trouble. We've got six hours to turn in a script before they pull the plug on us. And I don't know about you two, but I could use the grocery money. Kaleigh and Jake are eating me out of house and home and Randy won't do anything but sit on his rear and watch Golden Girls reruns on TiVo.

Tim & Bobby: We know, we know. ..

Francine: *Sighs* So what do we have?

Tim: The chair thing. But that was terrible. Right?

Francine & Bobby: Right

Tim: Right.

Bobby: Wait. I think I've got something.

Francine: What? Leanna Montana?

Bobby: (Working it out on his own, ignoring FRANCINE’s comment) Yeah... yeah yeah yeah.. I've got it ... so.. there's this secret agent. . . and he's got to escape this death trap... and ... (flows into the cliche story)

(James Bondersman is eating dinner at a fine eatery; a very shady looking character enters accompanied by an attractive woman)

Shady: I’m sorry, is this seat taken?

James: No, please, sit down!

(Shady and Attractive sit down)

Shady: So, how’s life?

James: Ahhhhh, the usual: getting girls like her, killing guys like you. You know, normal stuff.

(Shady laughs as if it were a joke)

Shady: HA HA HAAA!!! That’s hilarious!!! I never heard anything so.....(turns serious)You listen to me! If you attempt to kill me I’ll kidnap your girlfriend, threaten to blow it up the world, and make over $300 million dollars in worldwide gross box office money!!!! (takes out a handkerchief and wipes his face)

James: I see you are very serious about his whole “take over the world” thing eh?

Attractive (very perky): UH-HUH!!! And he’s gonna share it all with me!!

Shady (like talking to dog): Oh yes I will!!! Yes I will little pooky bear!!!

(waiter enters carrying a tray with a phone on it)

Waiter: Pardon me, sir. You have a phone call.

James: Will you two excuse me? I’ll only be a moment.

(SHADY and ATTRACTIVE continue to snuggle, ignoring James. James rises from the table and takes the phone. W enters downstage, opposite side. W is flustered)

James: Yes?

W: Double-O, Double-O, thank heavens! Why haven’t you answered your shoe? I’ve been trying to call you for an hour.

James: You have?

W: Egads! I knew we should have gone with a different cell phone plan. Listen carefully to me, Double-O, Double-O, we have reason to believe your life is in danger.

James: You don’t say…

W: Yes! I just received an instant message from the CIA on my Facebook and they are convinced that the people with whom you are dining want to kill you.

James: Really…

W: Yes, Double-O, Double-O. They’ve changed their online status to “Trying to Let Agent Double-O, Double-0, Know Someone Is Trying to Kill Him.” They mean business W.

James: Well thanks for the heads up

W: Be careful, Double-O, Double-O, and don’t forget: you can also make your new iPod sound like a lightsaber. It could come in handy.

James: I’ll keep that in mind…

(James hangs up as W plays with his iPod and the lightsaber feature. James returns to his seat.)

Shady: Something wrong?

James: Nothing a little clever thinking and a few convenient plot twists can’t handle.

Waiter: Are you folks ready to order??

Shady: Get me a Roy Rogers with two umbrellas. And she’ll have a Kool-Aid. Tropical Berry Blast.

Attractive: Extra sugar please!

Waiter: (To JAMES) And for you, Sir?

Shady: (Cutting JAMES off before he can answer) Oh, you. Get him a poisoned glass of water – shaken, not stirred. I want to take him out early.

Waiter: Okay then, can I get your names please?

Shady: Shady. Very Shady.

Attractive: Attractive. Kinda Attractive.

Waiter: And you sir?

James: Bondersman. James Bondersman.

Francine: Stop. Bondersman?

Bobby: Uh... yeah. Bondersman.

Francine: Are you kidding me?

Bobby: Okay, well maybe instead there's this kid going to magic school and he has a pet (FRANCINE glares) ... sea gull?

Francine: Guys, I'm serious. We're going to be in trouble if we don't get this done.

Tim: It'll all be cool.

Francine: That's just the thing, Tim. It won't all be cool. Look, you can just move back in with your dad and everything will be just hunky dory. But that's not my reality. My reality is a mortgage payments and electric bills and braces

Bobby: (trying to calm her down) Francine, hey, hey, hey, we know. We know.

Tim: Hey don't be hatin.' My dad's had it rough lately too.

Francine: Oh really? Has he had a rough time pushing "Ralph the Water Yak" backpacks and bedsheets?

Bobby: (stunned) Wait your dad wrote "Ralph the Water Yak?"

Tim: Yeah he did. And since he's good, I'm good. Its... its in my blood Ya i got the writers blood.

Francine: Just because your dad's good doesn't mean.... (shocked look on Tim's face)

Librarian: Shhhhhhh

Francine: Sorry.

Bobby: Well francine do you have anything better?

Francine: As a matter of fact i do ahem (flows into dramatic story)

Over Dramatic Play 1-13-09

Jesse: (crying, standing over person #2’s almost lifeless body) Why does this always happen to me?

Pat (could be guy or girl): It had to be this way, after all he was way to old for you.

Jesse: (screams) Fredrick come back!!! (continues sobbing)

Kelly: (almost a whisper) He was like a brother to me...

Carl the Paramedic: (Runs over with a bag of medical supplies) Is he still breathing?

Jesse: I don’t think so (Crying harder)

Nick the Paramedic: Ma’am we’ll do the best we can, but he’s in rough shape.

Margot: I’m so sorry I didn’t see him coming, he darted out in front of me and-

Jesse: In broad daylight?! (now almost screaming)

Officer Bean: (could be sir or ma’am) Sir, I have a few questions for you. Will you come down to the station with me? (Margot and Officer Bean exit stage)

Kelly: Hopefully there is some form of justice in this city...

Jesse: (Turns to the paramedics) Is he all right?

Carl the Paramedic: We can’t tell, but he seems stable... There’s a possibility of brain trauma. He hit his head pretty hard.

Kelly: (looking concerned) So will he be ok?

Nick the Paramedic: We still can’t be sure.

Jesse: You have to save him. He was the only person who loved me (still having tears running down her face)

Kelly: You didn’t know him like I did! (Yelling at her in a hushed tone)

(Standing only 3-5 feet away)

Jesse: (full out yelling) YOU NEVER EVEN CARED!!!

Kelly: THAT’S BECAUSE HE NEVER LET ME!

Jesse: YOU HATED HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!

Kelly: JUST BECAUSE I WAS NEVER AROUND DOESN’T MEAN THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM!

Jesse: LISTEN TO ME-

Kelly: (interrupts) NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME! IF HE EVER MAKES IT THOUGH THIS. YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, AND IF YOU DON’T, I WILL KILL YOU.

Jesse: (talk in a hoarse voice) No, I won’t. For goodness sake we were. . . no are. . . in love. I couldn’t not see him! That’s a fate worse than death.

Kelly: (Still yelling) I DON’T CARE JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Jesse: Why would you do that to him? If you DO care about him, you’d let him be with me. He loves me and I love him. Isn’t that enough for you?

Kelly: (Now hysterical) I SAID STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Jesse: He was the only one who saw that I was a person just like everyone else.

Kelly: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROBLEMS!!!

Jesse: Why do you act this way toward me? All I have ever been is nice to you! (Pat walks over and hugs Jesse, while Jesse puts her head on Pat’s shoulder and starts sobbing loudly)

Pat: She’s right you know. She has never said or done a mean thing to you. . . until today. Why would you do something like this to her? (Pat says while patting/rubbing Jesse’s back and whispers) It’s gonna be okay.

Carl the Paramedic: (stand up and walks over to them) I’m afraid that I have some bad news. Fred is...

Jesse: NO! Why did this have to happen to him! He was only 17! Why did you do this? You said that you could save him! (Jesse runs over to “Fred” and lays a crossed his chest)

Kelly: This can’t be happening! This is all a bad dream! (runs of stage crying)

Pat: (Walks over and kneels next to Jesse and rubs her back) It’s okay. It’s all right. It was his time to go.

Nick the Paramedic: (Referring to Pat) Is she going to be all right?

Pat: Only time will tell. (Looks down at Jesse still rubbing her back) It’s okay to cry.

Jesse (Sobs harder)

The end

FRAME STORY 2-11-09 Francine: So, what do you think?

Tim: Uh! Why’d you kill the dog!?!

Bobby: Ok, that could be better, you’re going to make the audience cry their eyes out,

Francine: so, what? i should write more like you?

Bobby: well, i didn’t say that but, I AM pretty good at writing, my second grade teacher, Miss North, even thought so.

Tim: why did you kill the dog? seriously, dude why?

Francine: Maybe he’s a cat person! anyway, Bobby, that was second grade, this is the real world, you need to let go of your second grade fantasy.

Bobby: Wha- wha- how could you say that? Writing is the only thing that i’ve ever been good at.

Librarian: SHHH!!

Tim: look, guys, just chillax, why all the hostility

Francine: like YOU could do any better

Bobby: hey, lay off, Francine

Tim: well, actually, i do have something and its going to rock your world! like the spice girls!

Bobby: the spice girls?

Francine: how about the story now before my kids run out of food...

Tim: ok, ok, so there’s a pink bunny....

Random Story

Pink Bunny - (Rapping) Yo yo yo my home dizzle I’m gonna take over Sweden to get me some schnitzle. I'm gonna hop on over there and throw me a party, but first I gotta pown my arch enemy Artie. Da Penguin.

Bunny exits

Artie the Penguin: We shall take over the world!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! Lieutenant March prepare the missiles.

Lieutenant March: Yes sir! Should I also prepare the death ray?

Artie the Penguin: Of course. First, we'll rid the world of that cursed Swedish Schnitzel. And then take all their chewy red herring for ourselves! We want some Swedish fish!

Scream in the background

Gertrude the Crab: Oh shut your yap, Artie!

Artie the Penguin: You first you old crab!

Gertrude: We don't have any Swedish fish left!

Artie: I'm working on it! Lieutenant March!

L. March: Yes Sir! Your missiles and death ray are ready sirt!

Gertrude: Here we go again...

Artie the Penguin: We will just take over sweden!!! SWEDISH FISH HERE WE COME!!!

Ninja tumbles across the stage

Bunnies enter

Pink Bunny: Word on the street says youse threatenin' my schnitzel. Well now I'm bout to bring it like Hey Diddle Diddle.

Random Guy enters

Random Guy: Can anyone direct me to the swimming pool?

Artie: Your schnitzel shall be no more! The world's Swedish fish supply shall be ours alone!

Bunny-(Out of breath) I guess I'll just have it bring old school, Rock Paper Robot style

(play rock paper scissors, Penguin wins with rock)

Bunny: Best two out of three!

(play rock paper scissors, Bunny wins with paper)

(play round three, Bunny plays robot)

Artie: Robot! Curses!

(Robot enters and takes out Artie)

(Lights fade. Lights up on Writers)

Frame Story

Dramatic: Francine Random: Tim Cliche: Bobby Librarian: Female College: Male

Francine: We've been sitting here for two and a half hours and we have nothing!

Bobby: Hey, I've had some pretty good ideas.

Tim: Nothing we haven't heard before, though.

Bobby: What are you saying?

Francine: We're saying that you haven't had an original thought in months.

Bobby: Hey that show about the girl who leads a double life as a student and a rock star would totally work.

Francine: Right, you of course are referring to ---

Bobby: Hannah Alabama.

Tim: Yup.

Bobby: But it would totally work.

Francine: And it already has. The name Miley ring any bells?

Bobby: Do you think all of this is my fault?

Tim: We didn't say that.

Bobby: It's this stupid economy. We don't have any control over which writing teams the studios cut and which they keep. That's the reason why we're stuck here writing for community theater -- without an office -- in -- the library.

Librarian: Shhhhh!

Bobby: Sorry.

Tim: I have an idea.

Francine: Oh god. Shoot me now!

Tim: No no, it's good this time. There's a chair... and it's alone... and nobody sits in it ... and then ... it explodes... because nobody ever loved it.

Bobby: Tim.

Tim: What?

Bobby: Are you serious?

Tim: Uh. No. Of course not. It was .. it was ... just a .. joke. Kidding, right? Yeah. Uh Francine, what're you thinking?

Francine: I'm thinking we're trouble. We've got six hours to turn in a script before they pull the plug on us. And I don't know about you two, but I could use the grocery money because I've got two kids eating me out of house and home and husband who doesn't do anything but sit on his butt and watches General Hospital reruns on Tivo.

Tim & Bobby: We know, we know. ..

Francine: *Sighs* So what do we have?

Tim: The chair thing. But that was terrible. Right?

Francine & Bobby: Right

Tim: Right.

Bobby: Wait. I think I've got something.

Francine: What?

Bobby: Yeah... yeah yeah yeah.. I've got it ... so.. there's this secret agent. . . and he's got to escape this death trap... and ... (flows into the cliche story)


 * REVISED 2-10-09**

Bobby: It's now been two hours, thirty-one minutes--

Tim: (being helpful) and twenty-three seconds

(Bobby and Francine give Tim a look)

Bobby: What do we have so far?

Francine: Nothing.

Bobby: Right.

Tim: Hey, I've had some pretty good ideas.

Francine: Nothing we can use though.

Tim: What are you saying?

Francine: Nevermind.

Tim: No, really. What? My idea about flying rabbits who run a waffle house was pretty good.

Francine: I rest my case.

Bobby: What about a show about the girl who leads a double life as a student and a rock star. I think it would totally work.

Francine: Do you mean ---?

Bobby: Hannah Alabama.

Francince: (Groans.) Bobby.

Bobby: (continuing) And she has this dad who used to be famous for one really cheesy song

Francine: Bobby. The name Miley ring any bells?

Bobby: Oh. Yeah.

Francine: Argghh! I hate this stupid economy! I hate not having an office! I hate working for community theater! And I hate writing in a library!

Librarian: Shhhhh!

Francine: Sorry.

Tim: I have an idea.

Francine: Oh god. Shoot me now!

Tim: No no, it's good this time. There's a chair... and it's alone... and nobody sits in it ... and then ... it explodes... because nobody ever loved it.

Bobby: Tim.

Tim: What?

Bobby: Are you serious?

Tim: Uh. No. Of course not. It was .. it was ... just a .. joke. Kidding, right? Yeah. Uh Francine, what're you thinking?

Francine: I'm thinking we're in trouble. We've got six hours to turn in a script before they pull the plug on us. And I don't know about you two, but I could use the grocery money. Kaleigh and Jake are eating me out of house and home and Randy won't do anything but sit on his rear and watch Golden Girls reruns on Tivo.

Tim & Bobby: We know, we know. ..

Francine: *Sighs* So what do we have?

Tim: The chair thing. But that was terrible. Right?

Francine & Bobby: Right

Tim: Right.

Bobby: Wait. I think I've got something.

Francine: What?

Bobby: Yeah... yeah yeah yeah.. I've got it ... so.. there's this secret agent. . . and he's got to escape this death trap... and ... (flows into the cliche story)

(James Bondersman is eating dinner at a fine eatery, a very shady looking character enters accompanied by an attractive woman)

Shady: I’m sorry, is this seat taken?

James: No, please, sit down!

(Shady and Attractive sit down)

Shady: So, how’s life?

James: Ahhhhh, the usual: getting girls like her, killin guys like you, you know, normal stuff.

(Shady laughs as if it were a joke)

Shady: HA HA HAAA!!! That’s hilarious!!! I never heard anything so.....(turns serious)You listen to me! If you’re gonna kill me I’ll hold the world hostage threaten to blow it up kidnap your girlfriend and make over $300 million dollars in worldwide gross money!!!! (takes out a handkerchief and wipes his face)

James: Well, I see your very serious about his whole, take over the world thing eh?

Attractive (very perky): UH-HUH!!! And hes gonna share it all with me!!

Shady (like talking to dog): Oh yes I will!!! Yes I will little pooky bear!!!

(waiter enters)

Waiter:Are you folks going to order anything? You do know this a restaurant right?

Shady: (sarcastically) Oh!!! I’m sorry! I thought this was a movie set!! Get me a shot of bourbon and her a kool-aid.

Attractive: Extra sugar please!

James: What about me?

Shady: Oh, you. Get him a poisoned glass of water, I want to take him out early.

Waiter: Okay then, everything we don’t have, can I get your names please?

Shady: Shady. Very Shady.

Attractive: Attractive. Kinda Attractive.

Waiter: And you sir?

James: Bond. James Bond....ersman.

Francine: Wait. Bondersman?

Bobby: Uh... yeah. Bondersman.

Francine: Are you kidding me?

Bobby: Okay, well maybe instead there's this kid going to magic school and he lives with his (FRANCINE glares) ... seagull?

Francine: Guys, I'm serious. We're going to be in trouble if we don't get this done.

Tim: It'll all be cool.

Francine: That's just the thing, Tim. It won't all be cool. Look, you can just move back in with your dad and everything will be just hunky dory. But that's not my reality. My reality is a mortgage payments and electric bills and braces

Bobby: (trying to calm her down) Francine, hey, hey, hey, we know. We know.

Tim: Hey don't be hatin.' My dad's had it rough lately too.

Francine: Oh really? Has he had a rough time pushing "Ralph the Water Yak" backpacks and bedsheets?

Bobby: (stunned) Wait //your dad// wrote "Ralph the Water Yak?"

Tim: Yeah he did. And since he's good, I'm good. Its... its in my blood Ya i got the writers blood.

Francine: Just because your dad's good doesn't mean.... (shocked look on Tim's face)

Librarian: Shhhhhhh

Francine: Sorry.

Bobby: Well francine do you have anything better?

Francine: As a matter of fact i do ahem (flows into dramatic story)


 * Over Dramatic Play 1-13-09**

Jesse: (crying, standing over person #2’s almost lifeless body) Why does this always happen to me?

Pat (could be guy or girl): It had to be this way, after all he was way to old for you.

Jesse: (screams) Fredrick come back!!! (continues sobbing)

Kelly: (almost a whisper) He was like a brother to me...

Carl the Paramedic: (Runs over with a bag of medical supplies) Is he still breathing?

Jesse: I don’t think so (Crying harder)

Nick the Paramedic: Ma’am we’ll do the best we can, but he’s in rough shape.

Margot: I’m so sorry I didn’t see him coming, he darted out in front of me and-

Jesse: In broad daylight?! (now almost screaming)

Officer Bean: (could be sir or ma’am) Sir, I have a few questions for you. Will you come down to the station with me? (Margot and Officer Bean exit stage)

Kelly: Hopefully there is some form of justice in this city...

Jesse: (Turns to the paramedics) Is he all right?

Carl the Paramedic: We can’t tell, but he seems stable... There’s a possibility of brain trauma. He hit his head pretty hard.

Kelly: (looking concerned) So will he be ok?

Nick the Paramedic: We still can’t be sure.

Jesse: You have to save him. He was the only person who loved me (still having tears running down her face)

Kelly: You didn’t know him like I did! (Yelling at her in a hushed tone)

(Standing only 3-5 feet away)

Jesse: (full out yelling) YOU NEVER EVEN CARED!!!

Kelly: THAT’S BECAUSE HE NEVER LET ME!

Jesse: YOU HATED HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!

Kelly: JUST BECAUSE I WAS NEVER AROUND DOESN’T MEAN THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM!

Jesse: LISTEN TO ME-

Kelly: (interrupts) NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME! IF HE EVER MAKES IT THOUGH THIS. YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, AND IF YOU DON’T, I WILL KILL YOU.

Jesse: (talk in a hoarse voice) No, I won’t. For goodness sake we were. . . no are. . . in love. I couldn’t not see him! That’s a fate worse than death.

Kelly: (Still yelling) I DON’T CARE JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Jesse: Why would you do that to him? If you DO care about him, you’d let him be with me. He loves me and I love him. Isn’t that enough for you?

Kelly: (Now hysterical) I SAID STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Jesse: He was the only one who saw that I was a person just like everyone else.

Kelly: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROBLEMS!!!

Jesse: Why do you act this way toward me? All I have ever been is nice to you! (Pat walks over and hugs Jesse, while Jesse puts her head on Pat’s shoulder and starts sobbing loudly)

Pat: She’s right you know. She has never said or done a mean thing to you. . . until today. Why would you do something like this to her? (Pat says while patting/rubbing Jesse’s back and whispers) It’s gonna be okay.

Carl the Paramedic: (stand up and walks over to them) I’m afraid that I have some bad news. Fred is...

Jesse: NO! Why did this have to happen to him! He was only 17! Why did you do this? You said that you could save him! (Jesse runs over to “Fred” and lays a crossed his chest)

Kelly: This can’t be happening! This is all a bad dream! (runs of stage crying)

Pat: (Walks over and kneels next to Jesse and rubs her back) It’s okay. It’s all right. It was his time to go.

Nick the Paramedic: (Referring to Pat) Is she going to be all right?

Pat: Only time will tell. (Looks down at Jesse still rubbing her back) It’s okay to cry.

Jesse (Sobs harder)

The end

Francine: So, what do you think?
 * FRAME STORY 2-11-09**

Tim: Uh! Why’d you kill the dog!?!

Bobby: Ok, that could be better, you’re going to make the audience cry their eyes out,

Francine: so, what? i should write more like you?

Bobby: well, i didn’t say that but, I AM pretty good at writing, my second grade teacher, Miss North, even thought so.

Tim: why did you kill the dog? seriously, dude why?

Francine: Maybe he’s a cat person! anyway, Bobby, that was second grade, this is the real world, you need to let go of your second grade fantasy.

Bobby: Wha- wha- how could you say that? Writing is the only thing that i’ve ever been good at.

Librarian: SHHH!!

Tim: look, guys, just chillax, why all the hostility

Francine: like YOU could do any better

Bobby: hey, lay off, Francine

Tim: well, actually, i do have something and its going to rock your world! like the spice girls!

Bobby: the spice girls?

Francine: how about the story now before my kids run out of food...

Tim: ok, ok, so there’s a pink bunny....


 * RANDOM SCRIPT DRAFT 1-13-09**

Random Story

Pink Bunny - (Rapping) Yo yo yo my home dizzle I’m gonna take over sweden to get me some snitzle.

Bunny exits

Artie the penguin: We shall take over the world!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! Tux, prepare the missiles.

Luitenit Tux: Yes sir! Should I prepare the death ray?

Artie: Yes... I want some Swedish fish!

Scream in the background

Gertrude: Oh shut you yap, Artie!

Artie: You first you old crab!

Gertrude: We don't have any Swedish fish left!

Artie: Hmmmm...

Gertrude: Here we go again...

Artie: We will just take over sweden!!! SWEDISH FISH HERE WE COME!!! Ninja tumbles across the stage

Bunnies enter

Bunny-Take us to the schnitzel!!

Random guy shows up saying-can anyone direct me to the swimming pool

Artie:Only if you take us to the swedish fish!!

Bunny: NEVER!!

(throwing random things at each other)

Bunny-(Out of breath) OK.......... let’s.......play......

Robot runs through followed by a screaming penguin

(play rock paper scissors, Penguin wins with rock)

Bunny: Best two out of three!

(play rock paper scissors, Bunny wins with paper)

(begins to play rock paper scissors but are interrupted by a stray Russian dancer)


 * Random Scene Revised 1-21-09**

Random Story

Pink Bunny - (Rapping) Yo yo yo my home dizzle I’m gonna take over Sweden to get me some schnitzle. I'm gonna hop on over there and throw me a party, but first I gotta pown my arch enemy Artie. Da Penguin.

Bunny exits

Artie the Penguin: We shall take over the world!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! Lieutenant March prepare the missiles.

Lieutenant March: Yes sir! Should I also prepare the death ray?

Artie the Penguin: Of course. First, we'll rid the world of that cursed Swedish Schnitzel. And then take all their chewy red herring for ourselves! We want some Swedish fish!

Scream in the background

Gertrude the Crab: Oh shut your yap, Artie!

Artie the Penguin: You first you old crab!

Gertrude: We don't have any Swedish fish left!

Artie: I'm working on it! Lieutenant March!

L. March: Yes Sir! Your missiles and death ray are ready sirt!

Gertrude: Here we go again...

Artie the Penguin: We will just take over sweden!!! SWEDISH FISH HERE WE COME!!!

//Ninja tumbles across the stage//

Bunnies enter

Pink Bunny: Word on the street says youse threatenin' my schnitzel. Well now I'm bout to bring it like Hey Diddle Diddle.

Random Guy enters

Random Guy: Can anyone direct me to the swimming pool?

Artie: Your schnitzel shall be no more! The world's Swedish fish supply shall be ours alone!

Bunny-(Out of breath) I guess I'll just have it bring old school, Rock Paper Robot style

(play rock paper scissors, Penguin wins with rock)

Bunny: Best two out of three!

(play rock paper scissors, Bunny wins with paper)

(play round three, Bunny plays robot)

Artie: Robot! Curses!

(Robot enters and takes out Artie)

(Lights fade. Lights up on Writers)

End scene